GMail Account Give-a-way
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 |
Like rabbits, it seems I can't give these away fast enough!
Anyone need a GMail account?
I had a rush of e-mail. All accounts are gone!
Aliens...I seen um!
OK, so today has been a bunch about how weirdly I sleep.
I think I have figured it out.
This happened about a week ago.
I went to bed as normal with my lovely, intelligent, and witty wife, only to wake up the next morning wearing different clothes than when I went to bed.
My wife, who is very sensitive sleeping because of the children noises, didn't notice a thing.
It has taken until now for me to realize I was abducted by aliens!
No anal probes or anything....that I can tell. I figure my abduction was merely a training session for some juvenile aliens. They messed up because they forgot what I was wearing. One turned to the other and probably said, "Man, you were suppose to remember what he was wearing!" "No dude, I thought YOU were suppose to remember that" They have an alien slap fight and decide to go with whatever they find on the dresser.
Let that be a lesson to you, alien youth. Stay in school and when abducting humans....take notes on what they are wearing.....and don't eat the cat.
Old theme...new state....
If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a bar . . .
If "down south" to you means Aberdeen . . .
If you have an ICBM in your back yard . . .
If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones . . .
If your kids' baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out . . .
If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right . . .
If people borrow things to you . . .
If you have ever served glorified rice at a wedding reception . . .
If you expect to be excused from school for deer season . . .
If the soup du jour at your home-town cafe is always beer cheese or knoephla . . .
If your favorite hors d'oeuvre is little weenies and barbeque sauce in a crockpot . . .
If you refer to the blessed union of an ELCA Lutheran and a Missouri-Synod Lutheran as a "mixed marriage" . . .
If your city's Economic Development plan included a large fiberglass statue of an animal...
If the CEO of your company drive a really nice pickup...
If you end every sentence with "Ya Know."
If you think the Turtle Mountains are really mountains...
If using your turn signals are optional...
If you know what a "hot dish" is . . .
If you know what to do with lefse . . .
If most of your recipes come from the REC magazine . . .
If fleisckuechle is your favorite food . . .
If your caterer and social director is the American Legion . . .
If Thanksgiving and Christmas meals always include Lefse . . .
If the idea of snow in June doesn't surprise you . . .
If you remember trick-or-treating in the snow . . .
If you watch the weather channel and like it . . .
If you consider the wind "calm" from 0-15 mph, "kinda breezy" from 15-30 mph, and "kinda windy" for more than 30 mph . . .
If you consider the temperature "OK" down to -10 F., "kinda chilly" from -10 to -20 F., "chilly" from -20 to -30 F., and "kinda cold" for more than -30 F. . . .
If you design your Halloween costumes to fit over snowmobile suits . . .
If you have ever been frostbitten and sunburned in the same week . . .
If you wonder why other parts of the country complain about it being 20 F. in the middle of winter . . .
If a headbolt heater is on your list of things you can't live without . . .
If you say "headbolt heater" and even a two-year-old knows what you're talking about . . .
If the whole state doesn't shut down the minute there's a foot of snow on the ground . . .
If you're over 70 and wear long johns year round . . .
If your home town has ever had the nation's high and low for the exact same day . . .
If you're the only person in Boston with an electric plug hanging out the front of your car . . .
If you carry an ice scraper in your car year-round . . .
If you can identify East, West, North, and South at all times . . .
If you drive to the Black Hills to see the mountains . . .
If you think of a big city as over 5000 population . . .
If every time you see a Michelle Pfeiffer movie, you tell everyone within earshot that her parents came from New Rockford, and her Grandma still lives there . . .
If you didn't know a suntan could extend above your elbows . . .
If you think New England is a town . . .
If there was no charge for your John Deere hat . . .
If a large crowd means more than 100 people . . .
If you wave to any driver who stops for you to jaywalk . . .
If you consider somebody stuck up if they don't wave when meeting on the highway . . .
If your name appears in the local newspaper for being a coffee guest at the neighbors . . .
If you can't go for a walk, because people keep stopping to offer you a ride . . .
If Swedes are the minority population group in your community . . .
...you might be a North Dakotan.
I think I broke my nose....
Listening To: B-52s
I think I broke my nose.
OK. I didn't hit anything. No bruising. I didn't fall and I didn't get hit in the face with a bat, but the slightest preassure on my nose pushes pain back to my ears.
I've been assessing the situation now for 15 minutes inbetween work items and now discover that only when I wiggle my nose (kinda like Samantha, not Tabatha on Bewitched) the pain comes back.
I had a dream last night. This is atypical since I usually fall asleep and don't remember anything at all. My dream was simple. My toes were attached to hinges and my body was heavily startched. A wind gust came along and I fell forward onto the floor---nose first.
I was like one of those water birds that dunks....then pops back up...only to dunk again.
Now this morning...sore nose.
This may track back to an incident in college. I had a dream of being in an elevator....waiting for the doors to open whent he elevator started tipping and falling and right before the elevator hit the ground, I woke up...because I hit the bed. Evidently I was sitting up in bed and fell over.
Now if I can figure out the train in the tunnel dreams, I'll be set!
TV Execs listen up!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2004 |
Listening To: Lenny Kravitz - Are you Gonna go my Way?
I've been watching summer TV and have come to the realization.....although I love Reality TV....I don't like what's on!
All the schmucky shows that they made, they are editing down to a 3 episode series and airing it during the summer.
TV execs....listen up. Great idea to use all that schlocky footageyou have been shooting since 2000--
New series ---all reality show finales. I'm not saying good reality shows...like the rip off shows where people might get married or kill each other kinda show and it's all based on how many roses or rings or immunity Smurfs are left.
Each previously unaired show....edit it down to 1 night. Like an hour tops. From setup to fruition.....all in one night. Each week a different reality show that never made it on the air.
Call it "One hit wonders" or "Finale Rally"
Something really kitschy.
I would watch that show to see all the really bizarro ideas networks have tried and be able to get finality in one night!
There. That's the idea, Mr. or Mrs. TV Network person. Now go run with it.
Just put a little red sneaker on the bottom of the credits when you run the show. That's all I ask!
Light up my life
Listening To: Motorhead - Ace of Spades
When going to a concert, you must have a lighter.
I chose the ultimate ballad lighter. The official lighter of Rock-n-Roll--The Zippo.
No, I've never smoked, but I own a Zippo because at a concert it is important that the lighter lights fast, doesn't require you to hold down the fuel button and won't burn your fingers by the second chorus of "Winds of Change" by the Scorpions.
This is why The Zippo Lighter is the official lighter of Rock-n-Roll...plus you can do cool trick with it....that when practicing alone, cause blisters and burn marks!
In watching our 1 year-old daughter Annabelle, I noticed how scientific she was about everything she encountered.
For instance her thoughts seemed to go like this:
"hmmm Red round thing.
It's soft and squishy.
When I hit it against this other thing, it doesn't hurt.
It doesn't taste like food.
It feels good on my nose.
When I scream, it doesn't react.
Biting it doesn't seem to hurt it.
Throwing it, it keeps going.
It's hard and funny fealing.
When I hit it against this toher thing, it doesn't hurt or make noise.
It doesn't taste like food.
It doesn't feel good on my face.
When I scream, it doesn't react. Is it deaf or dead?
Biting into it is a crunchy feeling.
Throwing it, it doesn't go far."
I also think Annie believes all things fit into two categories
1. Not Uckey Pooey category
2. Ucky Pooey category
Finding something and trying to put in in her mouth is the signal to the parents to identify it as "Uckey Pooey" or not.
This is key in finding food to eat.
GMail Account Give-a-way
Just 1 invite left to give away for a free GMail account.
Send me an e-mail at email@example.com and it's yours!
In other news.....I just found out one of my Pez dispensers averages $19 on ebay. hmmmm. I think it's time to put it up for sale!!!
The local Footlocker store recently put out a rather large display of Chuck Taylors of all different colors.
I know this because in the last couple weeks of being here, I have been told about it several times.
I am happy to be known as the Red Sneaker dude.
It's way better than:
Smelly B.O. dude
Psycho jittery dude
Looks like a Basset hound dude
Needs a Manzeer (or a Bro depending upon which camp you come from) dude.
I had a rush of e-mail. All accounts are gone!
Rockin' The Hills
We are just days away from the only summer Rock festival in North Dakota,
Rockin' the Hills.
We will enjoy band like:
Peter Frampton (I hear he comes alive)
Jackyl (they bring their own chainsaw)
Dokken (rockin with Dokken)
Puddle of Mudd
3 Doors Down
among many others.
Unlike other rock festivals, this is a one-time only thing. No traveling like Lollapalooza or Ozzfest.
In keeping with those other shows, they will be selling bottled water for $25 a bottle and I'm sure hotdogs will be at least a C-note.
Monday, June 28, 2004 |
Listening To: TLC - The channel not the band
In my wandering about the internet, I often do random searches to see what I can find. Think of it as jabbing your hand into the haystack to find the needle....if it sticks in my finger....we have a winner.
One of tonight's searches was "UFO Poisoning".
2 great things.
1. Paranoia about any kind of poisoning is a great read. What caused the poisoning? Was it lethal? Was it intentional?
I really enjoyed an article I found on how taking a shower was hazardous to your health because you were inhaling chlorine fumes.
2. UFO's make anything better.
Peanut butter candy bars....add an alien and Viola! Reeses Pieces!
See what I mean.
UFO Poisoning. I'm thinking this occurs due to a contamination of alien germs onto a human. The poison is of course deadly and of course has not treatment.
Hmmmmm. This is good.
UFO Poisoning seems a bit...I don't know.....1970's movie of the week.
How about meteoric poisoning?
Some weird space disease lands on earth aboard meteors. It's such a vigilant virus that it can withstand entering the Earth's atmosphere!!!
Man, I have read way too many sci-fi books.
Drezel Plitinoy, Negs Grebben Frampt Twool
Listening To: The loud consultant in the cube next to mine
I am getting ready to submit the course descriptions for my upcoming classes this fall.
I went through several drafts and ended up with a pretty safe version.
Here's one I threw out, if only because it didn't meet the number of words required:
"Digital Photography (a.k.a. the expensive Polaroid)
In this class, we bide our time and explore various uses for the zoom lens other than taking pictures.
We discover that the memory cards should not be microwaved and that you can take nekkid pictures of yourself and get them printed at WalMart using their kiosk."
I always think you have to start somewhere and with that draft, I discovered everything I didn't want to go into the description!!!
Arrrrrrr! (close one eye and make your finger like a hook)
Listening To:BTO - Takin Care of Business
In recanting my recent trip to Florida, I described how hot and humid it was. Is that why pirates are always so edgy?
"Arrrrrr! My hair is all frizzed out! Walk the Plank!"
"Arrrrrr! Everything smells like mildew!! Give me all your booty!"
(Anyone see a pattern?)
"Arrrrrr! Why is me map all curly now? Off with his head!!!"
Stupid is as stupid does sir.
Stumbled across this little finding.
I wonder what this means?
The Dakota Sneaker
Sunday, June 27, 2004 |
Listening To: Black Crowes - Southern Harmony and Musical Companion
I found "the Dakota Sneaker" by Tommy Hilfiger. I was a little disappointed it wasn't a traditional sneaker, but I am happy that Tommy enjoys my site enough to name a sneaker after it. Thanks Tommy....next time make them red.
Get your Geek On
Saturday, June 26, 2004 |
Listening To: Jackyl - "Down on Me"
I really don't think of myself as much of a geek as I actually am.
On the plane yesterday next to a larger gentlemen who smelled of B.O. and Jack Daniels, he asked me what I did for a living. I told him..."Webmaster" which he came back with "Exactly what DO you do?" Reminiscent of "Office Space".
I then attempt to describe what I do and discover I can't describe it well without using technical terms like "Java" "J2EE" "Struts" etc. The version I simplified it to in my head was still not terribly consumable as I spoke to the guy. "blah blah blah application server hosting applications...blah blah blah Oracle environment blah blah web server blah blah cookie."
His ears perked up at "cookie" but then again on a plane with only a small bag of pretzles, it was like "Survivor, Northwest Airlines".
Any way, at that moment I realized I was a geek. I didn't think I was because I work with a bunch of geeks, I was just at a class full of geeks, and compared to those geeks, I don't think of myself as geeky.
Wake up call for me!
"Brian Spencer Davis Farnsworth Matthews....you are a geek! Now drop that pocket PC and do something useful."
GMail account give away
I have 7 GMail accounts to give away.
Send me an e-mail at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
First come first serve.
Include your first name and last name.
EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!!!
We're slashing prices!!!
The boss is gone, so we're GIVING IT ALL AWAY!!!!!
UPDATE. No takers!
1 GB of mail storage on Google's new Mail service and you can't even give away exclusive invitations to sign up.
If I don't get rid of them, I'm signing up fictitious people like Sherlock Holmes and Vin Diesel.
I had a rush of e-mail. All accounts are gone!
Home Home Home Again!!!!
Got in last night and left the airport for home around 10:30. Taxi driver was an interesting guy. Younger and pretty usre of himself.
I got to hear all about how he didn't like to police.
How one officer hit on his wife so he tracked him down.....there was a much more ellaborate plot involved...and he ended up beating him up.
Not what I expected to be hearing from a taxi driver, but what the heck. Beats the crazy humming man in Orlando!
Friday, June 25, 2004 |
Listening To:"Soothing announcer man at the Orlando Airport"
I've been here for about an hour and no Converse spotted yet. It's 12:50.
I have a few more hours to go before my flight departs. I attempted standby for an earlier flight, but it was full.
I rode the airport tram from the terminal to the gates a few times, but security started watching me...so I stopped.
I hit the food court that consisted of a sub shop, a pizza shop, a bar, and a hot dog stand. I got to taste a $4.00 hotdog. I guess I'm not much of a conniseur to appreciate the subtle nuances that make it differ from the Oscar Meyers at home.
It's 1 pm exactly and people are showing up for a flight. Let's say Memphis, because I cant' see the monitor from here. I hope the flight to Memphis is enjoyable today.
My name is Raul and I'm your lead flight attendant today.
Chrissy, Chrissy and Chrissy make up the attendants that will make this an enjoyable traveling experience. We will be giving you a choice between a warm egg salad sandwich left in the sun since Tuesday or some free pretzels.
It's now2:15 and I have a sneaker spotting to report. High top black all stars.
I have noticed quite a few men wearing white socks and sandals and one loyal black socks and brown sandals. That man is carrying on for many men that have come before him. He is complete with a tweed hat and an obscure well-worn shirt with a buffalo on it. I'm sure if I asked, he would correct me that it was an American Bison.
One more spotting. Black Low top modified with what seemed to be a yellow highlighter. The yellow was wearing off so now it lust looked like someone peed on his shoes.
Guns n Roses - "Appetite for Destruction" is on the headphones now. I'll turn it up so everyone can enjoy.
A flight must be boarding. People are running. I peered down the corridor to make sure Godzilla or Mothra weren't coming.
It's now 2:35 and foot traffic has simmered down.
(insert quip about large man who looks like he escaped from a mental hospital)
(insert description of horror when man from mental hospital sits down next to you and starts humming"
3:20. The pnae has pulled into the gate. The desk person is "prepping" while the passengers are deplaning. A nice old lady sporting white Converse One-Stars with red logo steps off the plane. Thumbs up to you you, Ms. leopardprint stretch pant lady.
I am puzzled, the $3.00 bottle of Aquafina looks and tastes like the $1.75 bottle I got from the hotel and remarkably like the $0.60 bottle I bought in Bismarck.
A guy in khaki shorts, sandals and a Disney t-shirt announced loudly he almost didn't make it since he and some other guy were doing shots in the airport bar for the last two hours. I'm envisioning him getting hom and in a few weeks, he's going to wonder where the "Licky Tiki Lounge" is and what did he buy for $300.
Gate D3 in the Minneapolis airport now.
Another sneaker sighting to report. I'm going to guess they were at one time black, but have since been spray painted with silver. Vintage Punk rock guy. Purple mowhawk, leather studded collar, Hanes T-shirt stained and the saying "Eat the Rich" is scrawled on it in magic marker. Real traditional punk. You know, the kind of attitude where he might say,"F%^& Food! It's a tool of THE MAN"
Rock n Roll, Sid Viscious's little brother, Mick.
Here Comes WHITE SNAKE!
Thursday, June 24, 2004 |
I proudly present....make your own Super Hero generator.
When I was a kid, I had something like this with 3 tiles with superhero bodies on them.....mix and match....put a piece of paper over the creation and rub a crayon over it to make your own superhero. Now it's on the internet.
Take a look at my creation:
And Copy and Paste in this:
Open this in a text editor
For Paul, Jon, and Mark.....
WWE Name Generator
Ladies and Gentlemen!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE's Harry Hoodlum Hornsby!!!!!!!
(Flashpots ignite, strobes blaze, and up from out of nowhere, Harry Hoodlum Hornsby rises from nowhere)
My gimmick? I play acoustic guitars........that I steal!!!
Red Sneaker is everywhere!
I've only been here 1 week and I already made an impression
See how I did it.
Welcome to Red Sneaker
Welcome to Red Sneaker.....Land of Sunshine!!!
Make your own Freeway sign too here!
Yeah, and Monkey's might start talkin!
Mr. Monkey has something to tell you.
You can do it too.....
Click click....more photos!
Listening To: Rolling Stones - Exile on Main Street
Yes....can you believe that?
I leave for the airport at 12:30 tomorrow.
If I'm lucky, I'll be able to get on the 1:20pm flight. If I'm not that lucky, I wait until 4:45.
If I don't get to ride early.....I will be a little bummed, but I'll get to do some shopping at the airport!
Get ready for $100 in key chains an a T-shirt that says,"My Dad went to Orlando and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
Tick Frickin Tock
One night to go!!!!
I cannot wait. TICK TOCK!
I will relax once I am on the plane on the way home!!!!
I will be grinning unbearably from ear to ear knowing that once we land in bismarck I will be able to see my stunningly beautiful wife again!
This is all I can think about!!
I could never make it on a show like Survivor.
In the middle of nowehere with no shelter or food....
I'm in Orlando in a cushy hotel with anything I want to eat and I'm whining about wanting to go home.
I'm such a wussy!
Heck, being outside for a day would kill me! Albinos like me crisp up immediately! If we are lucky, we won't burst and blow up like popcorn!
I thought about suing some "Sunless tanner" but I realized how unnatural it would look. Don't get me wrong, the actual tanners work great! But I don't tan and they don't make "Sunless Burning Cream" for that fresh lobster look.
On a similar note:
Jennifer, you are my lobster......
A little history lesson
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 |
Before there was the Pump or the Air, there was Converse. Before Michael Jordan put his name on Nike's Air Jordans, there was Chuck Taylor’s name scrawled across a circular ankle patch on Converse's All-Star high-top. Before high-tech performance wizardry, there was the no-bells-or-whistles canvas topper that guaranteed comfort, the Converse All-Star. The Converse story began in 1908, when Marquis M. Converse created the Converse Rubber Company. By 1917, a rubber-soled, canvas sneaker, dubbed a high-top because of its ankle-high cut, became the forerunner of the legendary Converse All-Star. This high-top sneaker was competition for another shoe company producing athletic shoes: Keds. Early Keds were a strong competitor to the Converse All-Star, having a similar style and many of the same characteristics, right down to the circular ankle patch. But there was something Converse had that Keds didn’t: Chuck Taylor. Charles ‘Chuck’ Taylor was a high school basketball all-star who never played without his All-Stars on his feet. After school, Chuck became a promotional salesman for Converse in 1921, helping to perfect the shoe for the perfect game. Chuck toured high school gyms, speaking with coaches and players, using their input to make the All-Star the best basketball shoe in the world. Thanks in large part to Chuck, the shoe became extremely popular, and in 1923, Chuck Taylor’s signature was placed inside the circular patch on the ankle. Converse shoes are routinely referred to as “Chuck Taylors” or “Chucks” even to this day. And why the patch on the inside? Because the patch reportedly protects the anklebone, and prior to the technical wizardry of today’s performance shoes and super-reinforced ankle support, a little extra fabric was a big help. The ultimate basketball shoe, Converse reigned king until the arrival of strong running shoe competitors, Nike and adidas. ‘Performance sneakers’ they were called, but Converse didn’t retreat to the benches. Converse saw renewed interest when both Dr. J and Larry Bird endorsed the shoe, but when Michael Jordan lent his image to the Air Jordan empire, it seemed as if All-Stars were lost. But the fanaticism behind the canvas high-top should never be underestimated. The early All-Stars were either black or white, but an entire range of colors stepped up the pace in 1966, and by 1970, the suede One-Star became a big hit on and off the court. The 80’s resurrected the Converse All-Star when kids’ idol Punky Brewster made it her look to wear two-colored high-tops on her feet. The trend exploded (fluorescent blue with a fold-down fluorescent yellow top, and so on), and Converse was back on the map. While Converse couldn’t compete with the high-performance athletic shoes, the traditional Converse All-Star remains a winner by sheer longevity, and popularity. By the end of the year 2000, more than 600,000,000 (yes, six hundred million) pairs of Converse had been sold in the less-than-100 years Converse has been around.
Today Sneaker Spotting: "A Cinderella Story" Trailer
Let's talk about SHAFT
Pimp Name generator
In the name of Shaft and Huggy bear, I am semi embarrassed my pimp name is "Snake Eyes Brian Ice". I've never heard any pimp with "Brian" in his name!!!
I feel a little better.....the Father of the nation, George Washington is "Magic Tickle. Washington Quick"
Bill Clinton is "Golden Brown B. Shizzle"
Well, at least they got one right!
Wake up Jeff
Listening To: Jeff Snoring
I told you about Jeff, the happy Alabamian yesterday.
Today after lunch.....I notice he nodded off. It wasn't noticable....until about 30 minutes in when he started snoring. It was OK because he stopped about 15 minutes later....
Good thing he woke up for break. He did nod off about 4pm and woke up just before the end of class.
Jeff is now the Happy Sleeping Alabamian.
I had the digital camera with me, but thought I might get in trouble for snapping his photo in the middle of class. If I get the guts, I'll snap some tomorrow and post them.....don't hold your breath.
Madam the Puppet
Listening To: Paul Simon - Graceland
Because I have some spare time.....anyone remember Madam the puppet? More specifically Wayland Flowers and Madam?
I found a few links:
Link 4 (Just Wayland)
This was surprisingly difficult to find any information. I Did deduce that Madam did not wear sneakers EVER!!!
More Geek Humor
Tuesday, June 22, 2004 |
The class I'm in is all about the Java programming language. There have been mentions of Java, Beans, and Cookies. I've been trying to figure out what's the deal with the food references.....and then we covered "Hash tables". It all clicked.
Dude, was stoned!
Tomorrow I bet we're going to be going over Doritos and Twix techniques.
Whoa! Pass the Spaghetti code.
It's been a hard life for Lois Lane
It's been a hard life for Lois Lane, or so I've heard.
Here's the short story. Jeff (the happy Alabamian sitting next to me--not to be confused with the Happy Albanian from the flight here who raved about the weather in Minneapolis, or "Minnie-Pole-Iss" as he said) got to hear all about it.
Lois, who resembles a tired Gollum with a cheap blonde wig, has been demoted at work, divorced, had her car (which I imagine is a Kia Sorento) repo'd, and is obviously having a "Bad Hair Year".
Man, that's horrible....but she DID get to have sex with Superman, so I guess life does balance itself out after all.
UPDATE: A little eye candy for you Superman lovers
Welcome to Orlando
Welcome to Orlando -- Land of sweat and theme parks
Listening To: Filter - Hey Man Nice Shot
I've had time to let my mind wander the last few days and have this to ponder? Why are they called Optical Mice?
Oh I know, little laser thingy....yeah yeah yeah....
but let's take WireLESS networking and CordLESS phones. How about:
Ball less mice?
Ball-Free Mice. (I think that's nothing like Free-Ball Mice).
Mice--Now with no balls!
That almost make mice seem gutless, not that mice have any sort of feelings (the computer peripheral not the animal)
Monday, June 21, 2004 |
Listening To:Hoobastank, Hoobatemplepilots, HoobaKISS, Hooba. E. M.
My Hoobalosophy is....if I get 1 post out of 100 that's amusing (Hoobalicious), I'm doing pretty good (Hoobalacious), but that means there's 99 other posts that aren't that great(Hoobastink)....but ya gotta do them...or as the mood swings me...ya gotta HoobaDoThem.
Yes, you can guess the bobblehead I have at work is HoobaScooby Doo.
I could never figure out how to HoobaHoop.
The men's room at Oracle smelled like Hooba____.
Now back to "Who wants to Hooba My Dad!"
(Suggested comment might say something like,"You are a HoobaIdiot" or "You HoobaSuck".)
Listening To: Aerosmith Rocks
Last week when I was home, Mark and Sabrina played hopscotch on the sidewalk in front of our house....for a good chunk of time.
Mark began adding more blocks to the basic hopscotch board. He thought he had it pretty good with a good 12 square.
I asked if they wanted more challenge.....and Xtreme Hopscotch was born.
The boxes were no longer touching and required the player to stretch and jump in all kinds of ways all over that sidewalk....and at last recollection, they were up to -30 up to 22 in numbers running for a solid 50 feet in front of our house. It was so long, that hurling the rock became dangerous!
When I get home, we're playing Xtreme marbles....but I need to see which garage sales have bowling balls for sale.
Pizza and Pilates
The theme of this weeks is: Pizza and Pilates.
I've talked about how Mari Winsor taunts me on a couple times a week.....but what's the deal with the pizza.
Well, since I am on foot and the only near place to eat is Hooters, I'm ordering in Pizza....all week.
It's not that I find Hooters morally wrong. Far be it for me to make judgements on anything.
It's the thought of walking into a place known for scantily clad women....is like saying, "Hi honey, a woman with visable cleavage served me a burger today." Something I never want to say.....unless of course it's my lovely wife.....but that goes without saying. OK, I'll expand the number of people that can server me a burger while showing cleavage. Paul, you barbecue a damn fine burger. Feel free to show a little cleav too. Who knows, I might have one of the kids slip a few bucks in there!
Guess what? It's time to lay on the ground and follow along with a video...then Pilates!!!
(oh god, I amuse myself)
"It's a Sad World After all....."
Listening To: U2 - Joshua Tree
Sneaker spotting. 1 pair of black low top converse this morning on a child going to Disney.
Next item....why is there no Disney Channel in the hotel rooms? Not that I'd watch it...but come on!!!
Does anyone else misread Burger King and Hardees signs and think they read "Anus Burgers"?
Why is everyone in my class from Georgia?
Why is there a guy from Nova Scotia named Alan Jackson and a lady from Florida named Lois Lane in this class?
Why is the instructor a cross between Ray Romano and Ben Stein?
Why are there hairy men in speedos walking around the hotel.....and there's no pool?
Here's some humor for geeks. Fair warning!
I'm in a Oracle class. The instructor (who has the voice of Ray Ramano without all that inflection) was assigning user names.
Now, according to Oracle, all usernames must start with the prefix "ora". Our instructor, who I will call Mike, because tha'ts his name, assigned names by going down the alphabet. "Ora A", "Ora B", etc. Well, I'm at the back of the class because I got there early and I'm a little anti social.....I am "Ora L". Now I tried to get past all the "Oral Jokes". That was until the first lab. We are instructed to name our files according to our User Names and a pre-ordained suffix describing the file.
The lab starts and I lasted until I typed in the file name "oral_job_search".
Of course I start chuckling quietly to myself. I know I am suppose to pronounce it "Ora Elle". I KNOW!!!
I'm sure the novelty will wear off unless we do something for a sample "Pleasure Cruise" or anything for the city of Middlesex. Just in case, I bought some Depends...because I could pee just a little bit.
Excuse me, Elton John is calling!
Listening To:WESH (NBC Affiliate in Orlando)
Sitting in class, we started ff the week. The instructor instructing and the sutdents.....uh.....studing?
a lone cell phone rings---only it isn't a ring, but Queen's "We Are the Champions". Later before the scheduled break, "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls chimes in.
Ringtones have made this rather bland class into American Bandstand! Where are the polls to dance by? Where's Dick Clark?
Would anyone object if I got up and started to "Cut a rug" or "Get Down" on top of a desk? Or will John Lithgow from Footloose barge in and tell me I'm going to hell?
Summer is here
Sunday, June 20, 2004 |
Today is the first official day of summer.
As I mentioned earlier, I am in Orlando....and it is forecast to be 92 with high humidity tomorrow.
This is what I thought summer felt like.....but in North Dakota we only get this for about a month...without so much humidity.
It is so humid, I felt mildew growing on me just minutes after arriving!
I wasn't kidding when I said my notebook pages curled up within minutes and my glasses fogged up going from the hotel shuttle to the outside....
I figure by tomorrow, I will have a curly hair sticking out of my head like a Brillo Pad and my allergies will be gone.
Just a side note....did a Sneaker spotting today.....here's the total (all totals exclude mine):
Bismarck airport: 1 pair black low top Chuck
Minneapolis Airport: 0 Converse
Orlando Airport: 0 Converse
OK.....not sure how to explain this.
I figured Minneapolis would be at least even with Bismarck.
I can understand why Orlando was Sneakerless. It's obvious no one in Florida owns and wears Converse Chuck Taylors due to the humidity!
Tomorrow is another day. Let's see if the spotting of Chucks goes up!!!
Listening To:Myself steaming....
High Speed Internet Access
The Ads for this hotel say.
Let me back up for a second before I just spurt it out.....
I get into balmy Orlando, and when I say Balmy, I mean, my glasses fogged up when I got off the plane and the pages of my notebook curled within minutes of landing.
I get to the hotel all fine and checked into a room just shy of great. I'm talking kitchen with full size fridge, stove, microwave, toaster......plus a living room, 2-room bathroom and a nice size sleeping quarters.
I find out that there are multiple places that deliver here....and have a pizza on it's way.
I break out the laptop to post a little "Something" on Red Sneaker...get setup...install the new wireless adapter..... and badaboom. I'm on. I can get to the hotel's page...and a link to AT&T wireless pay service. Guess what? The only high speed access is $10 a day!!!!
I am doomed to a week of 56K modem service!!! Oh woe is me!!!
Yeah....I'm thinking only two people are feeling sorry for me now....my brother and my loving wife!
My brother, because geeks must stick together.
My wife because she knows the internet is like heroin to me. Well, looks like I'm on the web patch. mayube it will ween me off and make the need not so strong!!
We can only hope!!!
Cotton Candy (Candy Floss)
Saturday, June 19, 2004 |
Listening To:The Kinks - Come Dancing with the Kinks
Yesterday I took our two beautiful daughters to the zoo.
We did all the normal things.....walked around, got freaked out by animals eating from your hand...the usual.
We hit the concession stand before leaving for some Cotton Candy.
Sabrina (who is 4) loves cotton candy. And knowing Annie, who is 1 and sticks EVERYTHING she gets into her mouth, she will like it too!
We sit down and Sabrina gets a big hunk and I pull off a little piece for Annie.
She looks at it...and somehow knows what insulation feels like too...and thinks...."I've fallen for this trick before. I am NOT putting that in my mouth". So she throws it. Not catching on (because I don't speak "1-year-old" fluently, I give her another piece...which she automatically whips like it was a flaming piece of poo.
Oh well, more for us!
Then I began to think....I'm sure she is thinking we are two crazy people.
Feel it! No food feels like cotton candy!
The dog....or the cat maybe, but not food.
Who the heck thought of this idea? "Let's make food that feels like a sweater"
So I hit Google and found
The history of Cotton Candy
Interesting...then off to
and then to another.
That's where I found not just the abbreviated "Cotton candy is spun sugar"....but that is started out as an Easter basket decoration...not candy!!!
Now that make more sense!!!
Every kid puts Easter Decorations into their mouths. I'm sure if I had given Annie an Easter basket lined with Cotton candy as a decoration and filled it with candy, she would have eaten the decorations.
Well, now that mystery is solved. Now, what about Milk Duds?
Listening To: Adam Sandler - Thanksgiving Song
There are many facets of parenthood that I still find amusing. Such as bathroom breaks at sporting events.
With Mark, it was never a problem. 2 boys...go to the boys room.
Now me and Sabrina......the first time was a contemplative moment.
What is worse?
Me taking her into the girls room and scarring the other girls with the presence of a man or taking her into the boys room and scarring her from the filth and possible other boys in there.
I contemplated for a while and decided I couldn't get arrested if I took her into the boys room.....and locked us in.
Really that was a good solution, but talking down the other guys in there at the time and assuring them I was going to unlock it was the entertaining part.
The next time I thought I had it figured out...I brought my stun gun and took down the only guy at the urinal. It was for his own good! Point of interest...using a tazer on a guy peeing makes the stream go out of hand.
Friday, June 18, 2004 |
Listening To:Beastie Boys - Ch-Check it out
Day off today!!!
So instead of my usual routine of sitting in front of a computer typing, I'm at home sitting in front of a computer typing....some how it's nicer here.
I know I am not a terribly good writer. I've tried time and again different genres.
Mystery. I lose interest in the story and only focus on the mystery....and not throwing in enough red herrings to throw the readers off. IT's like reading a Scooby Doo Cartoon. You start....and you know right away the creepy old janitor did it. It's hard to keep a reader that way.
Romance. I thought I would be good at this one. I'm not saying I'm the most romantic person in the world...but these types of books have lots of descriptive details....which I thought I was good at.
Nope. It would go something like this:
She had the eyes of a goddess. Not your everyday goddess, but one of those goddesses that make you abandon your tribe, climb up to the top of a volcano and jump in kinda goddesses. You know the type. "Hey I'm Charlene, I think you're like cute an all, but cut off an ear or something so you will be a freak and I know you like me too" A goddess that the Roman goddesses would gossip about behind her back. "Yeah, that Charlene thinks she's hot brimstone, but she's not. She's only got those two earless freak following her. That's it!"
Horror. The thing about good horror stories is that they play with your mind. Make you think things are going on. When I try it's ends up more like how many ways can I describe eyes being removed from a human skull. True, it's gross, but not good horror. I wonder if there's a "Gross" genre?
Poetry. This I thought I had a shot at. Poems are like Creative Writing 101. Take a few words, put them together and call it a poem. Maybe arbitrary spaces and line breaks.
I suck at poetry too. It always ends up like:
That rose is as pretty as a fresh Krispy Kreme donut right off the conveyor belt.
Unlike Mr. Andre 3000, I don't think they smell like any kind of Poo I've ever smelled.
Not that I go around smelling Poo or anything.
I'm wondering if the Roses from that song really smelled good but his family was blessed with especially aromatic Poo.
News. Journalism was a thought. Short narratives capturing facts. It sounds easy, but when I try, it ends up swerving off into oblivion. I would mention the car crash, but then some obscure fact about that model of car would creep in and about how Rambler's have seats that fold all the way down and looks like a full size bed on wheels....and then I might speculate what the people were doing to cause the crash? Were the seats all layed down? Because if they were, I bet I know what they were doing!
Blogs. Now seeing that this is a blog, you would think I had found my genre right? Yeah, good thought.
After reading that article in Time Magazine they were sure not describing Red Sneaker. This is no underbelly of news. I'm not causing any type of rebellion to occur. I'm not getting book deals. Who am I kidding? Who's going to rely on Red Sneaker for their daily dose of news? Not me!!!
There are lots of genres left to try:
I'm not giving up hope yet.
Britney Engaged! J. Lo Pregnant!
Listening To: Soul Asylum - Grave Dancers Union
Britney Engaged! J. Lo Pregnant!
New York Post Story here
blah blah blah.
Do I care. NO.
I want good news. I'm tired of the same old characters. Time to bring back
Molly Ringwald has the Clap
Corey Feldman appears nude in exclusive spread of Home and Garden Magazine!
Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch has three testicles!!!!
That's good Hollywood gossip!!!!
No more about Mary Kate and Ashford and Simpson!
I want really interesting stories about celebrities that aren't in every issue of People Magazine!
I want headlines like
Timothy Van Patten from TV's "The Master" dies in horrible tapioca accident.
Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Listening To:Velvet Revolver - Contraband
If I worked at the KY jelly plant, I would make a huge sign that read
At KY, we like to think of it as LubriCAN!
At KY, our team works like a well oiled machine....and when we say machine, we mean people having sex. And when we say "well-oiled" we mean "well lubricated".
Things move smoothly at KY!
Of course I could never work there, I'd never get anything done. I'd always be trying to lube up my hand enough to get out of the Pringles can!
Thursday, June 17, 2004 |
Listening To:Red Hot Chili Peppers - Mother's Milk
I am not a fun guy (not to be confused with fungi).
I will be flying to Orlando next week and my plan of action is: go to class, stay in the hotel.
I'll bore you more with updates from the road.
Maybe I'll surprise myself and find out that I am indeed a fungi.
Traveling tips for the lady I met in the elevator this morning
Listening To:Don Mclean - American Pie (and I'm singing along to it)
Traveling tips for the lady I met in the elevator this morning:
1. Since most airports have more than 3 terminals, you will need to find your flight listed on one of the multi-monitor walls (They look like TV's only Lawrence Welk isn't on them).
2. When you find your flight number and next to it it says "B4", that's the gate number, not a Bingo number. Put the Bingo cards away!
3. When getting a taxi, telling the driver, "The hotel" isn't going to be enough information. There are usually more than one....even with the same name. (i.e. "The Super 8" still isn't enough information for the driver)
4. Airport security will confiscate your Buck knife no matter how long you argue that you only use it to cut your toenails.
5. One shiney quarter is not a tip.
6. When buying reading material at the airport, "Jugz" is not a magazine about antique china flasks. Don't rip open the plastic to make sure.
The Best Dam Day!!!
Listening To:Brides of Destruction
Today is "The Best Dam Day" on Red Sneaker.
North Dakota's own, Garrison Dam
Have the Best Dam Day Ever!
Alanis Morissette is engaged
Wednesday, June 16, 2004 |
Listening To:Alanis Morissette - Everything
Just read on MSN that Alanis Morissette is engaged to Van Wilder!
He is a step up from Joey Gladstone from TV's Full House. I see he released an album too..."Songs in the Key of Beaver"
Isn't that ironic?
Hmmmmmm Looks familiar.
Listening To:Y-93 fm
Last night at Marks Baseball game, I noticed there was one gangly kid with scrawny legs and puny arms, wearing glasses up for bat. It was obvious that the bat was much heavier for him than it was for the other 9 and 10 year olds. Still he tried and tried. He struck out and went back to the dugout, pulling off the helmet to expose his reddish hair, it was then I heard the coach say, "Good job, Clay". He may not play baseball very well, but I bet that boy could sing!
Meet Jo Blogger
Listening To: Anthrax - Attack of the Killer B's
Time has a pretty good article on blogging.....hmmmm. I'll have to read that someday.
Beat on the Brat
Listening To:The Ramones
I think the announcement of the last original member of the Ramones being very sick warrants a little retrospective on the Ramones.
Peace and love is here to stay
And now I can wake up and face the day
Happy happy happy all the time
Shock treatment, I'm doing fine.
-The Ramones "Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment"
Sheena is a punk rocker
-The Ramones "Sheena is a Punk Rocker"
Suzy is a headbanger
-The Ramones "Suzy is a Headbanger"
That's what they wanna give me
-The Ramones "Psycho Therapy"
Hey ho, let's go Hey ho, let's go Hey ho, let's go Hey ho, let's go
-The Ramones "Blitzkrieg Bop"
Bank Robbery Booming in Austin Texas
Listening To: CNN overlayed with 38 Special - Anthology
When I read the headlines in the morning, certain things pop out.....today was one on CNN.com titled, "Bank Robbery Booming in Austin Texas". My immediate thought, "Well, it's good to see with schools getting out, the kids are keeping themselves busy!"
Like Reader's Digest "Quotable Quotes".........
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
- Steven Wright
I'm a morning person....
Listening To: Annabelle eat cereal
I titled this post "I'm a morning person because I'm a morning person as long as I'm alseep.
I wish I was a morning person. Morning people are like this cult of early risers who see the new day as an opportunity for all things right and fun. I wake up wishing my alarm clock weren't so loud....and for only just a few more precious minutes of sleep. At times a pseudo form of prayer occurs. Something like: "Jesus, why do I have to get up now? Oh God, just a few more minutes of sleep!"
Luckily my wife and 1 of the three children are not belonging to "The Cult of the Morning" as I am beginning to think of it. This means on the weekends one of us still has to get up to tend to the other two children's needs. Again with the prayer,"Jesus, why don't they sleep in until a normal hour? Only bakers and milk delivery people are up at 7 on a weekend...."
I know there will be little change until they get older and lazier. I can only hope they will see how sleeping in is one of the baser pleasures in life!
"Please God, let them sleep in".
Woody is more than just his name.....
Tuesday, June 15, 2004 |
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Father's Day is coming.....
Listening To: Phones ringing
Father's Day is coming.
I have sent my Dad a little extra something this year (when I say "Extra something" that means a card that isn't postage due).
In looking for Father's Day cards, I came across a puzzling pattern.
For Mother's Day, the cards said things like,"for a caring giving, nurturing mother who made me soup when I was sick and kissed my oweys.....etc".
You get the idea.
The Father's Day cards were all basically "Thanks for being there."
We really must thank the father's who came before setting that low level of expectation.
To all the father's out there---
Thanks for breathing!
Life is good....
Listening To:Alanis - Everything
I am staring down a ton of work seeing that I think I may have lost all my Digital Photo class powerpoint presentations......and seeing that I will be teaching them (and a few more) in the upcoming months is not looking terribly promising. It's gray and cloudy.....intermittent rain. The guy next to me wheezes when he breathes (I thought I heard him stop breatheing a few times...I wonder if it was annoying him too?) My laptop is still out of commission and the technician is on vacation for the week. I take off for a class in Orlando Florida where I will be basically confined to the hotel due to travel limitations....and yet surprisingly, I'm in a really good mood.
Not sure why yet.
I did take a Claratin this morning....and my standard Pepsi One. I caught a few whiffs of gas fumes while filling up this morning....but not one big "Woo Hoo" moment.
Now that I think of it....I think I know why I'm so happy....my beautiful wife left me a voicemail last night while I was in the shower and I got it this morning.
That's the ticket.
Now, if Godzilla steps on my truck, today is the day. I'm pretty sure I'd chuckle about it (not unlike a silly Buddha).
Dun Dun Dun Dun Da Dun Dun Da Dun.......
Listening To: Pheobe Buffet - Smelly Cat
Is it wrong to think that I can only own 2 Darth Vader Pez dispenser because, at any given time there can only be 2 Lords of the Sith?
Today is Amsterdam Day!!!
Monday, June 14, 2004 |
Today I proclaim as Amsterdam Day on Red Sneaker!!!!
Our trip will begin at Linnaeushof,
then go to Kalenderpanden.
Next off to Mirandaban
Then, OCCII (for the atmosphere),
After that, stop down at Outland Records (Gotta get me a copy of the latest Obsidian album,
Followed up closely by Trance Buddha (for the kids)
Then stop at Zaal 100, and finish off the day at Vakzuid.
(OK was it painfully obvious I didn't know what I was talking about?)
I picture Amsterdam to be a lot like a city in North Dakota, only with more buildings and far more Dutch people. I am pretty sure that any North Dakota city would have Amsterdam topped by the number of bars/night clubs to people ratio!
What's in a name, Ms. Cox?
Listening To:Days of the New
Courtney Cox Arquette had her baby girl, but have not named it……so here are a few suggestions….(The number in perens is the number of children given that name in 2003)
The Green Mill Effect.....
Sunday, June 13, 2004 |
Listening To:Stone Temple Pilots
It occurred to me that certain restaurants have certain effects upon the body...Consistently.
Each time I eat there....same result.
1. Burger King Farts. These can be identified by scent alone.
2. Green Mill Tarrhea. Exactly what is Tarrhea? It's not quite diarrhea, but the consistency and color of tar.
The New Audacious Turdlettes
Listening To:The Dead Milkmen - Beach Party Vietnam
Band Naming Conventions.
Back in the day, the theme of "The" followed by an animal or object worked well.
Then "The" was dropped and a two name convention came about
Intermix that with 1-word names like
Recently as a few years ago there was a resurgence
The White Stripes
Thus I would like to take naming conventions to a new level.
Band names like:
The New Audacious Turdlettes
Afghanistan Banana Stand
The Amazing Armadildos
Ben Wa and the Blue Balls
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Crappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk Monkies
The Don Knotts Experience
Gee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's Poisonous
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
Zoogz Rift and His Amazing Shitheads
Mind your Nostrils
Listening To: Days of the New - "Touch, Peel and Stand"
Today I must apologize to Paul for possibly ruining his furniture and peeling the paint off his walls.
To my loving and beautiful wife, I apologize for keeping you awake last night, for constantly rustling the sheets and leaving singe holes in the blankets.
To the scientists of the world...there must be something stronger than Beano. Maybe something like "Extra strength Ass Muzzle" or "Industrial strength ButtFungal Smell Reducer"
Friday, June 11, 2004 |
Listening To:Edwin Starr
What is it good for?
I kicked ass at Atari, why do I suck at GameCube?
Listening To:Primus - Sailing the Seas of Cheese
I'm noodling around the kitchen....doing this and doing that.....and I see a zip lock on the counter. In our house it is common to have ziplocs with cereal for the little ones....and it looked like this ziplock was just about empty...just a few crumbs in it....so I go to pick it up and the realize....they are not crumbs.....but teeth. Our oldest pulled three of his own teeth out.
I had a major case of the heebee geebees!
Also.....note to self.....I suck at GameCube.
I was lost, but now I am found.....
Listening To: Lenny Kravitz - Are you Gonna Go My Way?
Just added the ability to search Red Sneaker, because some day I might want to find that one post out of over 600 that mentions the words "Poughkeepsie Thinner".
Listening To: Velvet Revolver - Contraband
To those of you who have to go to "company-wide" or "whole-department" meetings for "Big announcements", I recommend several items to keep close at hand.
1. Bottle of water. Seems harmless, but once the cyanide gas is released by the Executive Board, dousing your shirt and using it to breathe through could save your life.
2. .05mm rollerball pen (metal shaft). Again, harmless in it's appearance, but when the Executive Board sends in the guards to finish the stragglers off, it can be used like a dagger.
3. Can of soda and a tube sock. In a pinch, put the can into the sock for a makeshift mace or club. You never know when you will need to break a window or thump a thug.
4. Car keys with a flashlight. Once the gas clears and you have killed all the guards (or at least incompacitated them enough to run), it is inevitable that the Board will kill the lights and send in the bats carrying poisonous snakes. The flash light will help you avoid those nasty asps.
5. This next item isn't really what to bring, but something to remember to do. I don't mean to offend anyone, but try to find someone that appears more tasty to carnivores....and sit next to them. In exchange for dousing his or her shirt and showing them how to avoid the previous perils, you can use them as a human shield for the man-eating lions you will encounter next. The longer the lions are eating, the more time you will have to run.
At this point, you have made it out of the board room, most likely alone. Head back to the cubicle farm. The executives will get lost and disoriented and eventually leave you alone.
Leave at 5:00pm like nothing happened.
You can thank me later.
Virgin ears and things that make my nose hairs tingle........
Listening To: The Who--Tommy (I can hear you now)
To whom it may concern.
If the other day, you were having a technical discussion at or around 3:45 CDT regarding some computer something or other…….and during the phone call, you said, “Oh S#&T”.
At that point, the gentleman on the other end informed you you were on a speaker phone.
Any of this ringing a bell yet?
Anyway, your response was, “Are there any virgin ears around?”.
That faint response “Yes” (please don’t let the high-pitched cartooney voice throw you…it was me. I thought it would be funnier.) that came from 4 cubes away….was indeed me.
So, sir, I wanted to let you know I do not have virgin ears (I don’t even have virgin olive oil). I don’t even own Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” album (but I must confess I do own Weird Al’s parody “Like a Surgeon”). I have seen statues of the Virgin Mary, but I’ve never touched one…honest.
My sneakers have been around the block more than ! To prove even more, today, my hair is F&^*&d.
Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, ”What’s with the censorship, Skippy?” (that’s what I call myself when I have personal issues). No, I’m not reading my blog to kindergarteners as a volunteer effort at the local library and I’m not distributing printed copies to local churches (they were a little upset with the first delivery and asked me to not come back). Boy Scouts don’t earn badges for reading this (although a Blogging Badge would be cool).
I replaced the profanity with the traditional alternate characters to prevent being listed on Google with “Horney Potter—and the Prisioner of Ass-Kiss-Man”, “Pulp Friction”………
You know…I’m not even sure where I’m going with this, but ever since I took those unlabelled pills that I thought were Claratin, I’ve been a little….how should we say…loopy. My allergies are gone, so what ever this is, I’m hoping 2 was the usual dosage. Claratin never made my ears tingle. Is that normal?
I’m pretty sure I can hear the radio, but it’s turned off. I’m wondering if the CIA planted those pills to track my movements and neutralize me. Neutralize me. Neutralize me. Makes my nose tickle when I say that…which is weird because I’m not talking…I’m typing.
I’m beginning to wonder if the guy on the other end of that conference call was from the CIA…..
There's more than one way to skin a PC
Thursday, June 10, 2004 | Link of the Day
Listening To:Ray Charles - My World
UPDATE: Ray Charles - America the Beautiful.mp3
Step by step on how to make a PC look like a Mac (courtesy of boing boing
I think I'm dying!
Listening To:The Beatles White Album
I forget to grab a soda when leaving the house this morning and I have zero cash!
I was typing along trying to ignore the absence of the soda can, when I started to hear a dull crackling noise. The noise got louder and louder. I periodically would turn my head to see if I could catch this mysterious offender, when I realized what it was.
My brain was sizzling. Graymatter frying right between my ears.
The cool refreshing morning soda usually stops this Frizzle Fry from occurring, but not today!
WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?!?!?!
(sizzle sizzle sizzle)
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME SO?!?!?!?
(crack sizzle crack)
(Brian slides off his office chair onto the plastic floor mat where he writhes and waits for the end)
Itch Balls Take Two (insert childish chuckle here)
After much though about the “Itchy Balls” post, I began thinking about terms I wanted associated with this site.
“Itchy Balls” isn’t exactly what I would put in the meta tag description.
After some more searching I discovered Red Sneaker was number 8 on searches for “fiberglass”
So for the search engines, here’s a few words and phrases that are not “Itchy” nor “Balls”
1. “disenthralled nimrod”
2. “antiestablishmentarianism psycho”
3. “vestals budgie”
4. “blini polders”
5. “jabberwocky phallis”
6. “crumbliest Trojans”
Now, I just need to come back to this in a month or so and see if I’m there!
Let’s face it, the people looking for Blini Polders are going to be a totally different group from the “Itchy Balls” folks.
Of course I just realized in the posting alone, I’ve used the term “Itchy Balls” 5 times which will probably make me move up a place or two on the “Itchy Balls” search (damn, I did it again.)
UPDATE: One visitor today arrived here via "Shag hairdo"
and another looking for "Madam the Puppet"!
I LOVE THE INTERNET! (maybe love is too strong a word.....)
Wednesday, June 09, 2004 |
I love looking at my stats. Found a referring link from a Google search from someone looking up the phrase "Itchy balls"
Yep. Found this site on the first page.
I think I've done my parents proud!
Today is my wife's 27th Birthday!
I asked her last night if it would bother her if I posted the number. I know generally people don't like their age devulged.....like me.
I won't tell you how old I am....but I will give you a few clues.
I remember when Mr. Greejeans was alive.
Johnny Bravo was Greg Brady's alter Rockstar Ego and not a Cartoon Network series.
Kojak was a character and not a hairstyle.
The year I was born rhymes with Eleventy-Schmoo
I have caved!
I have temporarily abandoned the indepentant comment provider to try out Bloggers.
Not quite sure if I like it yet.
That didn't take long.
Blogger's comments didn't work in Mozilla.
Looks like back to the old faithful.
A tale of Terror......
Be still my children, and learn, as I did, a valuable lesson from those that have gone before us, in this case, let’s call him Tom.
One day, I passed Tom in the hall, and he was limping.
“Why the limp?” I queried as he went past.
“Got one of those wood splitter mauls that looks like an axe” replied Tom (from the Latin, Thomas). “Took a mighty swing” he continued, “missed the log and saw it headed for my foot,” he noted, “and just couldn’t stop it, or move in time, and buried the damn thing in my instep.” Needless to say, I was agasp (which is nothing at all like being a WASP, although I do meet many of the basic criteria).
“Saw it go through the lacing in the work boot that I was wearing…” I didn’t care to hear the rest.
Decades slip by. My wife and I live in the country, our little slice of “country heaven” has more than it’s share of dead trees, part time lumberjacking becomes a way of life.
Years of cutting go by. All sorts of trees, in total, or in parts, big or small, all eventually fall under the steady progression of handsaws, axes, front end loaders, electric chain saws, gas chains saws, and natures own furious winds.
All bits and pieces end up in either, the bonfire pile, or, trimmed for the patio fire stack (oh all right, pile, but I’m getting better).
After eons of having all sorts of dead wood, of all sizes, slowly the “pool” has lessened, until now, only a handful of dead trees are left standing (stumps don’t count), and no “little” wood (kindling) is currently at the ready. [Actually the small wood supply had been on the decline for some time, hence the acquisition of fire-starting-stix (of course, nothing to do with the river Styx, which is another matter entirely, although not totally unrelated to the ever unfolding, “Tale of Terror”), and, not to be confused with fire sticks which were some miscreant movie writers nomenclature for firearms…]
However, an ample supply of larger timber, both cut and uncut, remains.
Time to get a wood splitter.
Now, there are a lot of ways to split wood. You can get a gas or electric splitter, horizontal or vertical, that will apply lots of pressure via a sharpened edge, to the log, splitting it. Expensive, but very effective.
There’s the maul (which you can actually get at the mall, it’d be the mall maul, and if you used it to defend yourself from the attack of the viscous lions, of which many well camouflaged specimens abound in the Mandan ND area, you would be using the mall maul to stop the mauling - what a useful tool), which while somewhat effective is much more tedious, often stuck in the log being split, and does have inherent “handling” concerns (like holding it, and hitting it, at the same time).
Then there’s lightening. While incredibly powerful, it’s difficult to control, impossible to have on demand, and creates a racket so loud it scares the beejeebers outta a person. I know this for a fact in that when I was vacuuming out my old, white van, beside the house, on a, more-or-less, clear day, and lighting hit the cottonwood immediately next to the vehicle, that the chunks of bark ricocheting off of the house and into the van, did not hurt near as much as the kaboom which shook me down to my bones and sent me, shaking like a leaf, into the house with one thought in mind, “I want my mommy.”
So that leaves a relatively new invention, a wood splitting maul on a stick, well okay, on a handle.
It goes by many names, MOS or MOH not being any of them for some reason, but things like “wood splitting maul,” “splitting axe maul,” etc.
To the local home improvement store I go, lots of the above items (except the lightening) to choose from. Finally, after considerable comparisons and thoughts, decide on the MOS version.
However, while thinking that to be the end of the process, discovered that it was merely a phase IN the process, as there are easily a half dozen of these dangerous and heavy “denizens of the deep” to contemplate and consider.
Long handles, short handles, heavy ones, light ones, different maul materials, different maul shapes and weights, different handle materials, and of course, very different pricing.
I examine them all, and two stick out. One is a short, “plastic” handled, funny axe/maul/X winged fighter, sort of shaped thing, that looks like something Darth Vader would be playing with, and the second, all the others.
Of course the “Darth tool” cost oodles more, and so must be better. I must possess it, it must be mine, it will clearly demonstrate my inherent superiority to other men in the fact that it is truly fantastic, and it belongs to me, I control it, and it is MINE!
It is sometime later, I am at home, I have rested and recovered from the ecstasy of having acquired, from Northern Europe (which simply must make it better) the most lethal splitting axe known to mankind. And it answers to me, it is in my, and mine alone, control. It will do my bidding.
But before I can use it I have to pull weeds for my wife.
Little does she suspect the power that she fools with! But I acquiesce, since the force belongs to me, and me alone.
Now it is time, I stand, like a mighty man, in front of the chopping block, perched on it, the sacrificial log token. Soon to be a mere memory, the first split of a million stick wood stack.
But I must take care, the handle is short, I must be closer, still the handle is short, for a moment I fear that it is too short and there will be failure - wouldn’t a longer handle provide more striking power? But this is no time to waver, I must be resolute, I stand with legs spread to lower my striking position.
I raise the maul axe from Hades.
It descends with all the power that the human frame that guides it can muster.
There is a kind of “white silence” all about.
Something is not right.
Things have flown in all directions.
My entire being is numb.
A fear comes over me. The kind of fear where you know something is wrong, but your denial is temporarily keeping it at bay, while the fear becomes so intense that it spreads over you like a sweat with its’ own special stink. And you know, the pain is about to come.
At this point, that tiny little box inside of your brain, wants to hold on to some element of control, and tries to via logic.
It tries to reason, because the rest of your mind wants to start crying, that this injury will most likely be very, very, deep.
That means arterial blood flow and shock, both of which are life threatening. It also reasons that if “IT” is still stuck in, to leave it there, so if a “bleeder” has been created (an almost certainty in this type of case) it may well be blocked by the intrusive body itself, and so is best left to removal by the ER staff.
So there you stand, legs apart, now empty hands between them about knee level, fear-sweat pouring over you, wood chunks off to the left & right, and a dangerous G**-**** tool laying on the ground, yards behind you.
And thanks to Tom, not a scratch, but a now very reverent attitude, and an increased level of understanding for the world, ones place in it, mankind, and the future intent of the proper and safe use of tools.
I've got a pocket full of quarters and I'm heading to the arcade....
Tuesday, June 08, 2004 |
Since childhood, I have lusted after a Pac-Man game........now, in a way, it can be mine.
But it's gonna be 5 inches tall.
Yep. Cut-outs of some of the classic arcade games. Just print them out and a little quality time with the scissors and tape and viola!
Now, are there any sites that will allow me to print out and assemble a scale model of me?
--Ranks 50th in America for crime rate.
--2.8% unemployment...which is about 1200 people currently unemployed. Someplaces, that's 1 firm.
--None of those nasty trees to block the view!
--Ranks 1st in percent of high school students completing high school.
--Ranks 1st in percent of high school students to pursue higher education.
--Ranks first in the number of large fiberclass tourist attractions like:
The Enchanted Highway of metal sculptures
Wally the Walleye
The Jamestown bison
The giant golfer
And of course, the Mighty Ogg
Now before I post the link...don't send me nasty e-mails or flaming comments. I just ran across this and think it is so amusing but at the same time feel really really wrong.
Ah, what the heck......
If lightning strikes me down later today, I bequeath the following:
--To my lovely wife, you get all the "Good" entries and any royalties from them and all the upcoming royalties from the forthcoming publishing deal.
--To our cat, Mouse, a life time without having me run after you with the grooming brush.
--To my Brother Paul, you can have Red Sneaker, but you have to get a size 13 Converse first.
--To Dad, you can have the new Beatles flash movies I posted under Stuff today.
--To Science. I leave you that weird patch of thick black hair on my back. Man, I wish I knew what that was. If it's something new.....can you call it "The Brianovian Disease" or better yet "Scarlet Sneakus Freakus".
--To the Pepsi guy who runs me over with his truck after I get struck by lightning in the parking lot....NOTHING! Screw you man!! You owe me 2 iTunes songs!!!!
Just flip his head back and take the candy out of his throat....
When I started my new job, I had a nice clean cubie and a few miscellaneous decorations including a Mr. Potatohead (straight from the box...no mods) and 6 Pez dispensers all from Star Wars.
This is a strange office full of people who love to go rummage saling (also known as tag saling, or garage saling). Once it was noted the two areas of decorations on a wide open shelf, the mysterious gifts began. Oh I knew who it was and thanked her each time something new would show up. It really is a sweet thing, but I have swollen to 50+ Pez dispensers and other Pez-related objects like magnets and specialty dispensers for bubbles and larger Pez. Mr. Potatohead has come to know 25+ new Potatoeheads including several ladyfriends of the tubor variety. This collection now bursts off the only 2 shelves I have. This has taught me a lesson.....I'm glad I didn't have a fake piece of dog doo as a decoration or by now I would be up to my nose in rubber poo poo!
Something something something...walk through the valley of death....something something....
Monday, June 07, 2004 |
When I get down and out....when I don't know who else to turn to....when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, I look to a higher power.
Do you feel that way too?
Just repeat after me:
"I've been really tryin, baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,
Let's get it on
Lets get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
We're all sensitive people
With so much love to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be
Lets say, I love you
There's nothin wrong with me
Lovin you -
And givin yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true
Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be
I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me
I aint gonna worry, I aint gonna push
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby
Stop beatin round the bush...
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on "
So sayeth Mr. Gaye
God Bless Paul!
This is just what I neededtoday....Thanks man!
"If I owned Hell and Memphis, I'd live in Hell and rent out Memphis
and a book recommendation "Take a Lesbian to Lunch"
some odd cover bands...
ACDShe an all female AC/DC
Beatallica ??? They have songs to d/l too...I may just have to force myself to listen...."
"Sgt. Hetfields Motorbreath Pub Band....
"I am Harry" (expletive) "Potter!"
This I thought was amusing.
Alternative soundtracks are not a new thing. Starting back with the Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon playing.
This one was music and dialogue to the first Harry Potter movie, The Sorcerer’s Stone, all free to download here
One of the more amusing passages includes the phrase, "I am Harry" expletive "Potter!"
If it sounds interesting, check out the
NY Times story here (free login required)
A new found respect.....
For the first time last night, Jen and I did pilates.
Not Jen's first time....she's been at it avidly for quite a few months, but I was the virgin this time.
A few observations:
1. I have a new respect for my wife and anyone else who exercises on a regular basis.
2. I'm more out-of-shape than a slovenly amoeba
3. Mari Winsor is sadistic. Smiling and chipper and using terms like "Powerhouse" while I flail like a beached whale.
4. I can feel every muscle in my body....and not in a good way.
5. Did I mention I didn't know my wife could bend in those ways?
So Mari, all in all thank you....but please don't call it my "Tushy".
I can be (or try to be) profound. It's 2 a.m. I believe that's the prerequisite for being profound.
Life is a series of moments. Moments of love and hate and frustration. Moments in the drug store or in traffic, or in the bathroom. All just moments.
Sometimes these moments are funny....and those are the moments I try to record each day here. Or course, when I say "funny" that only means they are funny to me.
This is a "middle of the night" moment with a baby sitting on my lap WIDE awake wanting to play. I am amazed she's let me type this long. If the type suddenly goes all caps...it's because she hit the caps lock. Also disregard any mispellings or odd characters thrown in. Unlike normal, they are not solely my doing.
cv b vbb vb
Thnak you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat76
this is working wel.
the profound moment has passed. time to play.
Friday, June 04, 2004 |
First I'd like to say, I'm as caucasin as the day is long. I'm talking really really white, so when you read the following, understand I am not trying to be something I am not.
"Fo' shizzle my nizzle"
An overused saying, fo' shizzle.
My question is, are there variations?
"Fo' shizzle my whiteizzle"
or for my friend Lu Ann,
"Fo' shizzle my Lezzle"
or how about a fry cook?
"Fo' shizzle my Sizzle"
or how about the cat from Blue's Clues?
"Fo' shizzle my Periwizzle"
Perhaps in conversation with the Pope?
"Fo' shizzle my Papizzle"
or maybe Bill Gates?
"Fo' shizzle my Billy Gizzle"
Maybe I went too far?
Just in case I didn't, one more for the road......
in conversation with the bacteria on my uncooked chicken?
"Fo' shizzle my Salmonizzle"
For being floppy, it's pretty darn firm.....
It's Friday and I am archiving some information off this loaner computer in case miracles happen over the weekend and my computer heals itself, grows legs and comes home.
I'm digressing.....I'm feeling a little old school and notice I have some HTML files that are 1.3mb in size collectively. Perfect for a floppy.
Now my "REAL" laptop doesn't sport a floppy drive. Not sure if it was a scrimp or it was too edgy to have one. Either way, this loaner does have a floppy drive.
I run down to supply and grab a box of floppies.
I get to my cube, plop in a disk and "drag-n-drop" to my heart's content.
Memory is funny. I don't remember floppy drives being so loud!!!
So I'm moving my files and the whirring and (for lack of a better term) squirking goes on for a solid minute. By the end, I have 4 co-workers in my cube wondering if I've finally lost it and am mutilating myself with a pencil eraser.
To their dismay, it's just me and my floppy.................................................................................disk.
Web Designer for hire.....
I got one query the last time I did this......so I thought I'd ask again....ANYONE need a new blog design? Contact me!!PLEASE!!!!!
Here kitty kitty kitty....
this morning I brought out the cat carrier and Mouse knew exactly what was going on. Vet trip. She instantly crouched and evaluated her exit options. By that time I was already behind her so when she darted away from Jen, I was there.
All I can say is I am so glad she was declawed or I would be investing in Bactine.
The vet trip went well. Tim (the vet) thought she was a nice cat finally and I also found out my cat carrier weight 3.5 pounds. Good to know.
Mouse gave me the look afterwards of "You shove me in a box, drive me here to a place that wreaks of other dogs and cats, you put a towel over me and stick me twice in the butt. I'm going to go pee in your favorite shoes, buddy"
I'm paraphrasing, of course. But that's the jist of it. Here, let's get Mouse up here and see if she will type her exact thoughts in:
There you go and she triggered Windows Find. Talented cat.
Boxers or Briefs?
Thursday, June 03, 2004 |
It's been almost a week and I'm still using a loaner laptop. Using someone elses laptop is like wearing someone else's underwear. Strangely familiar and creepy at the same time.
I can't save favorites. I don't save any cookies. I finally broke down and configured Outlook to read my mailbox instead of using webmail access (which by the way, Mr. Gates, could have several improvements).
Still, I feel incumbered in what I can do, like save files to the Harddrive. Jesus Saves, why can't I?
Commencement is Hungarian for Sausage..........
While attending my brother-in-law’s high school graduation this past weekend, I saw the usual sayings taped to the tops of the little graduation hats.
Things like:”Ma & Pa I (heart) U” and “Finally”.
North Dakota graduations happen early in the graduation season, so there are still ceremonies to liven up. So, here are a few suggestions to take the signage to the next level:
1. Get everyone in the row to put one letter on their caps so you spell interesting things like:
“My brother Paul wears women’s underwear”
“Finger joints only have wrinkles and creases if the joint moves. If a finger joint stops moving, the creases eventually flatten out.”
2. Two words: “Mosaic Designs”
3. Make it interactive. Hand out keno cards and the audience can mark off the students numbers that will fall or pass out on stage. Come on number 47!!!!!!!!
So graduates…go forth and tape thine mortar board with athletic tape!
Wednesday, June 02, 2004 |
Just a quick note. Anyone know anyone looking for a graphic design job in the Bismarck area part-time through the summer and maybe into the fall?
How sad am I? Pleading!
I asked if I could have the job, but they said I was suppose to be supervising people. Sheesh! Likely excuse!
Stupid is as stupid does, sir.
I had the pleasure of having lunch with my father-in-law and my brother-in-law. I'm not saying they are geeks like me, but there was a substantial amount of time devoted to cell-phone features and demonstrations.
It was great!
Our waiter was by far THE HAPPIEST WAITER ALIVE! I had to do it in all caps, because I know he would want it that way.
I don't know his name nor did I bother looking, because he was so dang happy!!!
Smiles and laughs.
I swear on his day off, he stops by to wait tables for fun!
Now, I'm not sure if it was chemically induced, but again...I don't care. He was happier waiting tables at this little restaurant than any CEO I have ever seen!
Like the saying "It's only work if you'd rather be doing something else" was so true.
So here's to you Mr. Smiley-gotta-have-eye-contact-alrighty-then Man! I raise my glass of Diet Soda to you and when you say "You have a great day now" I know you mean it and I know my day still couldn't be a great as his.
TOP SECRET (Shhhhhhh)
Operation "Rock Around The Clock has Commenced"
Divulging any more information could jeopardize the success of the project.
I will post more as the Operation draws to a close.
No More Feather Comb-overs!
They announced that the American Bald Eagle is being removed from the Endangered Species list.
If this doesn't convince you that "Hair Club for Eagles" works, I don't know what will.
My eagle isn't just the President of HCFE, but he's also a customer.
......it's for you.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004 |
In the wireless phone arena, I saw a commercial for Virgin Wireless phones that use actual mp3's for ring tones.
Here's a top 5 list of songs I would have for my ringtone:
5. "Call Me" by Blondie"
4. If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's me" by Jimmy Buffet
3. "If I Could Reach You" by the 5th Dimension
2. "867-5309 Jenny" by Tommy Tutone
1. "Calling Dr. Love" by KISS
Out with the Maybugs......
Not that I was totally done using May yet, but in with the new....
Today is Jen's Grandma June's birthday.
That was back in the day when children were named after the months they were born.
I remember my good old Uncle October (He was a little scarey towards the end, but all in all not a bad guy), his wife February (She was quite a bit shorter than everyone else in the family, but boy was she full of love).
I remember my Second Cousin, March. She was Bipolar.
Happy Birthday Grandma June!
Weekend of felons and diplomas
According to my Brother's blog, he had a little run in with the law.
"Communication is the key to any good, loving, caring relationship. As a couple, you must be able to communicate your feelings, and ideas to your partner. They'll know and understand you better. You'll feel much more secure with them.
Some instances of good communication:
1. Your wife tells you that your zipper is open, even if you're in the middle of church on Easter Sunday.
2. When you really want to watch a show on TV, you can tell your partner that fact, and they'll understand. They may not LET you watch, but they understand that you are missing something important to you.
3. Your car's registration stickers arrive in the mail, and your wife tells you...say....well before the existing stickers expire. They would never let you drive, for example, a full month on expired stickers...only to be pulled over by a VERY NICE police officer, two days before Memorial Day. Maybe on the way back from a family shopping trip to Walmart.
I have two points to this posting...I'm glad I have a wife who COMMUNICATES with me...
Bismarck has the nicest, most understanding police officers on the planet Earth. "
For years and years I was the black sheep of the family.....now it's time to pass the baton!
In other news, Jen's brother Russell graduated high school with an emphatic "Hallelujah!"
The rest of the weekend was spent eating in commemoration!
Pass the Gaviscon.