Adventures in Shaving

Monday, October 23, 2006 |

I was just thinking back to when my father had decided it was time to give me a lesson in using a “Safety” razor. I’m not entirely sure who deemed it “Safe” but it was obviously someone who had either never seen a “Safety” razor or had just chugged a bottle of Old Spice.
My dad showed me with effortless glides how this sheering utensil made quick work of his seasoned whiskers. It looked so easy and fun!
I sprayed a bubble of Barbasol shaving cream into my hand and applied it as if I actually had facial hair. With each carefully-placed stroke, I eased off my six months worth of what I called a “moustache”, but even with my best effort, I still managed to nick my face. My father quickly grabbed a little white pencil-like substance (which I later figured out was Brimstone). He pressed this pencil on my tiny nick and instantly a bolt of pain shot through me. It was apparent I was going to die and I probably only had minutes to make peace with the world. Just as I was about to confess about whom really pushed cousin Eddie down the stairs last Christmas, the pain subsided along with my dad’s chortles. Wow! That was a close call!
I wiped the rest of the foam from my face and gave my dad my best evil eye. My dad then grabbed the Aqua Velva and motioned for me to open up my hands. “Here. This will make it feel better” he said.
I don’t remember anything after that.

Since that time I have come to realize there are two major groups of shavers. The electric razor and the “Safety” razor, and I use that term loosely. I was an electric razor user for many years. Any chore could be made easier by adding electricity, right? That was until I realized that the electric razor had dozens of little knives whirring around just beneath a very thin piece of metal. The razor manufacturers expect me to place these rapidly flinging knives near my jugular? I’m sorry. I just can’t. So I switched to the “Safety” razor. They call it the “Safety” razor because it’s much safer than the first incarnation which was basically a razor blade tied to a stick. I believe that the invention of the “Safety” razor is the single reason why life expectancy of humans shot up 20 years in a short period. People weren’t lopping off limbs and ears any more.
Initially I switched because I thought it would be safer. Two or three blades under my semi-steady control just seemed less dangerous plus I could use shaving cream. Shaving cream is so much more fun. I still give myself Santa Claus beards when I shave. My wife knows it too because she can hear me “ho-ho-ho-ing” in the next room.

I recently got to show my step-son Mark, who is now sprouting peach fuzz, how to shave. He was very excited as I gave him his brand new razor. We lathered up with shaving cream and I showed him my best St. Nick impression. I then showed him how to avoid shaving his lips off. Patiently I watched and explained shaving technique like the subtle nuances of knowing where your whiskers stop and your hairline starts. I then introduced him to the nose hair trimmer and explained how important it was to keep “The bats in the cave”. Afterwards, we toweled off and admired our work. With a tiny smirk on my face, I reached for the Aqua Velva…

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Posted by brian