Subscribe via RSSNew Year, new diet
Monday, January 01, 2007 |
Every year, people like to go through the rituals of making New Year's resolutions only to break them in the months, days or even minutes to come.
Why bother even making a resolution, right? The way I see it, resolutions are really just a good way to bide time until it is warm enough to go outside and forget that we tried to become better people. Volleyball, anyone?
Over the years, I've made many New Year's resolutions. Some good and some not so good. To help you decide on your resolution (because I am a "giver"), I came up with my top 10 New Year's resolutions from years past:
1. Continue working toward my goal of becoming a curmudgeon. Take up whittling.
2. Become more in touch with my inner Elmo and only refer to myself in third person. (Brian wants to color. That makes Brian very happy).
3. Take up any hobby that doesn't violate federal, state or local law.
4. Rename our children "Minnie, Manny and Moe."
5. Stop laughing every time someone calls me "Mr. Matthews."
6. Lose enough weight so I can fit into footed pajamas again. Fuzzy purple footed pajamas.
7. Refer to people using their real names, not ones I gave them. (You can thank me later, Bucket Boy!)
8. Stop using my horrible British accent. (Throw another chip on the ... uh ... top o' the morning ... uh ... see!)
9. Cancel my subscription to "Weird Places to get Tattoos Monthly."(My favorite place was Poughkeepsie.)
10. Stop trying to get people to refer to me as Czar Brian. (I think Kaiser Matthews has a better ring to it.)
As you can see, I've set the bar pretty high, so this year's resolution has to be more spectacular than Madonna's pajamas (I've heard rumors that they are pretty snazzy).
My first idea was going on a diet! That's always a great resolution. Now I needed to decide which one to follow.
The diet where all you eat is meat?
The diet where all you eat is slightly warm noodle-free soup?
The diet where the food shows up in your mailbox every month? (I call it the FedEx diet.)
The diet to make me look more like Dr. Phil? (He is a true specimen, isn't he?)
Oh, the decisions.
Like all major decisions I make, I took time and consulted my trusted friend, the Magic 8-ball. I shook it with fervor and asked the question aloud. "Oh wise and omnipotent over-sized billiard ball, what diet should I follow?"
Turns out I needed to ask again later. It must have been a lunch break.
While I waited for the Magic 8-ball people to return from Starbucks, I had an idea.
With the fitness industry booming after the holidays and the advent of personal trainers to hold you accountable for your actions and help you attain your fitness goals, how about "personal resolutionaries?" Hired people to ensure you do not falter on your resolution.
For example, you resolve to quit eating potatoes. When you meet with your "personal resolutionary" and they smell au gratin on your breath, they would push you to give up the spuds cold turkey, or more fittingly, cold taters. Sometimes we all need help getting that starchy tuber monkey off our backs.
A few more minutes have passed, so I hoist the soothsaying sphere into the air, jiggle and jostle. I flip it up and gaze into the wisdom.
My official New Year's resolution for 2007 will be to start the "concentrate and ask again" diet.
As far as I can tell, I will be eating a lot of concentrated orange juice and prunes. Crisis averted once again.
Thank you, Magic 8-Ball.
