Subscribe via RSSI've Got Junk in My Trunk
Monday, April 09, 2007 |
Just between you and me, I've put on a few pounds. Between the diet of junk food and the fact that my pedometer rarely passes the triple digit mark, I seemed to have packed on a few extra ounces.
It's more than my pants not fitting anymore. It's more like my sleeping bag doesn't fit anymore.
I'm sure my doctor will chastise me and warn me to eat healthier and get some exercise. This is why I don't see him anymore. All that negativity bottled up. I need something positive to help me focus on my weight loss goals. Something like doughnuts. The powdered-sugar kind so my black sweatpants will look like a reverse Rorschach test. That will get me into weight loss mode!
As with all semi-serious projects I tackle, I headed down to the local bookstore to buy a book detailing how I too can succeed in regaining the awkward yet gangly body I had in high school.
After just one venti vanilla bean steamer and a cookie from the coffee bar, I scanned the bookshelves until I found the books. Not just one book, but it appeared to be the weight loss wing of the store.
"Thinner = Winner" and "I Lost 325 pounds by Eating Tic-Tacs; So Can You" are a few of the titles that jumped out at me.
There are hundreds of books in this aisle, all dedicated to reducing the number of inches we pinches (I had to rhyme it, please forgive me). One of the reasons I've got "junk in my trunk" is that I don't move very much. So it seems perfectly logical to sit and read a few dozen books. Where's my beverage?
Then, it occurred to me as I hauled my purchases into my car: These books are huge. I'm not supposed to read them. I'm supposed to bench-press them. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Once again, you are a step ahead of me. I can guarantee the Cliff's Notes version of these books would have been lighter; I would have only needed one Little Debbie break.
That's efficiency.
I got my cement-filled library home and hauled it into the house (which took three hours and 14 rest breaks). I began reading. The more I read, the more I saw some similarities. "Eat less, exercise more."
I guess this weight-loss game puts emphasis on doing things the hard way. Why drive to the grocery store, when you can walk, run or Thighmaster your way there?
Don't eat prepackaged food. Buy and prepare all these really hard-to-find foods that taste like grass mixed with ... different grass. Grass must have some magical powers. You rarely ever see a rabbit complaining that he can't get his pants on anymore.
Use the stairs and not the elevator. The elevators are prone to malfunctioning, trapping the people inside. You don't want to be in there when you can be passed out on the platform between the sixth and seventh floor.
Another thing I've noticed is that getting rid of my excess kilograms is expensive. After buying the books I bought a membership to a gym, but found out that it only gets me the ability to "use" the machines. Since the gym machines look like an H.R. Geiger creation, I am afraid to touch them. Now, I have to hire a personal trainer to help me approach these mechanized beasts and overcome my fear of sweaty chrome.
Did I mention I can't exercise without a cute outfit? Something in a striped-leg motif and matching headband. This standing in one place getting healthy can be quite boring. Maybe I need a new MP3 player. Portable TV? What if there's nothing on or bad reception? I'll need some sort of portable DVD player and an assortment of movies (I never know if I'm up for a tear-jerker or a movie where a guy in rugby gear slaughters a tribe of cheerleaders).
This is beginning to seem like way more work than I envisioned.
Perhaps I should just buy a bigger sleeping bag.
