Father's Day

Tuesday, June 05, 2007 |

Father's Day is just around the corner. It's a time to tell your father how much you appreciate his wallet and how you cherish those uncomfortable silences together.

In our house, my role as "father" consists mainly of "fix this," "kill that" and "I thought we agreed to throw that away?" I would like to take this opportunity to set my family straight.

I am more than the guy who burns breakfast on Mother's Day.

I do not find joy in squishing spiders.

I choose not to ask for directions because it's one of life's few pure challenges.

The dog likes me because we understand each other, not because we smell alike.

Ordering pizza isn't a gourmet meal, but this is not a gourmet house.

Would you really believe me if I told you how long it takes me to do my hair every morning?

Having you pull my finger is part of my physical therapy -- honest.

I don't have the remote control because I don't feel the need to control every aspect of my life, not because I'm afraid of your mother. Don't tell your mother that.

I like to spend time in my shop because it's quiet and I like the smell of sawdust.

Don't judge me!

How do you know that I'm asleep on the couch? I could just be deep in thought. Deep snoring thought.

The only reason I barbecue is because I like to light things on fire.

Some people paint, others sing. Swearing at the lawnmower is my art form.

I am more than just the guy you hate to kiss because his cheeks are so prickly.

Yes, I am the dad.

I do enjoy ugly ties and teaching the kids how to make rude noises with their armpits.

I am the guy who nods at you while Mom is giving you a lecture about not putting your shoes away.

I smell like leather and Irish Spring.

I am the guy who told you once that the sky was orange and basketballs were blue. It was a social experiment. You can't fault me for trying.

I am the chief toy assembler.

I also always carry a pocket knife, so if you need something cut, I'm your guy.

I have stuff clipped onto my belt. The items are handier that way, plus I get to feel a little like Batman every day.

If the electricity goes off, I know how to turn it back on and I hold that piece of knowledge secret from everyone else.

My swimming trunks will never be as cool as yours.

I have hair in my ears.

I use to be edgy and dangerous. I was the bad boy. Now, I wear slippers.

I can cook more than grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips. I just happen to really like grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips.

When you leave home, I will be the guy you call when your car breaks down even though I know absolutely nothing about cars. However, I will arrange for the car to be fixed by a very knowledgeable mechanic and buy you a doughnut to make you feel better.

I can make a quarter appear from behind your ear.

I wear bright red sneakers. You don't have to understand why; I just ask that you don't laugh at me with your friends.

I've said my piece. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there who think their dad is just the guy who isn't very impressive. Be sure to call, e-mail or shout through the bathroom door at him to let him know how much you appreciate him. After all, he is a great guy ... with a little extra ear hair.

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Posted by brian