Subscribe via RSSRoughing It is too Rough for me
Monday, July 02, 2007 |
Summer is here, and for many families this means one thing camping season. Time to load up the tents, slather on the bug spray, and commune with Mother Earth.
My wife and I have differing opinions on camping. She loves nature and animals and spending some quality time with a campfire. She loves to lie on a blanket in the middle of nowhere and gaze up into the night sky and listen to crickets and the snapping of the dying fire. She is truly a happy camper.
I, on the other hand, believe that camping is recreational homelessness, plus, I whine when I have to go more than a few hours without high-speed Internet access.
My idea of "roughing it" is to buy cheap bathroom tissue for a week. I don't do well outside.
I think air conditioning needs to be appreciated more. Staying inside is the only way to properly appreciate 65 degrees on a sweltering July 4th. Our forefathers fought hard in woolen knickers during the middle of summer so we can enjoy the freon-induced chills from artificial cooling.
If my wife could ever convince me to go camping, there would definitely be some differences in our techniques. For instance:
3 My wife would choose a camping location based on proximity to water and a clearing for a fire. I would base my camp location based solely on if I could get good wireless Internet signal.
3 My wife can set up a camp that will cook huge meals using nothing more than a camp fire, a skillet and a dutch oven. I will spend hours looking for the vending machines.
3 My wife will sleep soundly in a sleeping bag. I will not sleep at all without my night light.
3 My wife will get a golden tan and smell like Honeysuckle. I will look like a cooked lobster and be coated with mosquitoes chomping away at my skin.
3 My wife would keep us safe from wild animals and ensure we left no mark on nature when we left. I would run away screaming at the first branch that looked like a snake.
I'm sure some of you out there will say, "Brian, why not try using a camper?" To which I would respond, "That is a great idea. I don't have to sleep on the ground, I can hide inside away from the mosquitoes and have all the luxuries of home right there, only in miniature sizes." That's the problem. I'm not a small person. I shop at the "Big & Tall" stores on the racks labeled "Frankenstein." A miniature camper bathroom may seem adequate to most, but to me it's slightly better than a Dixie cup and a shower curtain. Not to mention the emergency room visits from the concussion I get from banging my head into everything in the camper.
Perhaps I can persuade my wife to go camping "Brian-style." We load up the car with comfortable clothes and enough Starbucks gift cards to last a week. We turn on the air conditioning and hit the road. Perhaps we drive slowly through an animal sanctuary while sipping on our frappuccinos.
Next, we live dangerously and eat at a local restaurant. We will order our steaks medium rare. Hello, nature! Let's ponder the parsley! Maybe, if we are really needing a sense of adventure, we can drink the local water!
Wait. Scratch that. Let's not get too crazy.
Maybe we can see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota, followed by a visit to the man with the world's longest ear hair. Perhaps a stop at the hubcap museum. It's good to expose the children to culture.
At the end of every day, we can pull into a nice hotel, put our sheets on the bed and get a good night's sleep.
That is the great thing about marriage. It's a compromise. She gives a little, and I give a little. Now I need to find a place that will make a three-mile extension cord for me. The AC unit for the tent isn't going to run itself.
