I’ve always thought that the snow blo­wer felt more like it was suc­king the snow, but “Snow­suc­ker” doesn’t say “I’m worth $1500.”

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I did not watch the Bowl of Super­ness.  I have NEVER watched the Holiest of Bow­lies.  I don’t hate foot­ball, I just can­not wrap my mind around it.  Maybe the game is just too com­pli­ca­ted for me.  It’s OK if peo­ple are “Down”, you can say the words “tight end” and you don’t get a funny look, and I just rea­li­zed that some­ti­mes they are saying “Quar­ter­back” and some­ti­mes they are saying “Cor­ner­back”.  How con­fu­sing.  I really think that the Super Bowl was crea­ted by the soda, chips and dip com­pa­nies to make tons of money!  This is their Christmas! 

Maybe they should change the name to “The Dip Bowl”.

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Q: What makes you laugh?  

A: Nitrous Oxide

Q: What about you would most peo­ple find surprising?     

A: I hate balloons.
                     

Q: What accom­plish­ments are you most proud of?    

A: I want to live fore­ver.  So far so good.

Q: If you had one super­po­wer, what would it be? 

A: The abi­lity to cause doubt.  Villains are far less effec­tive if they doubt their abi­li­ties or even the need to take over the entire world.  Howe­ver, if I got to pick super hero names, here’s my  top 7 list:

7. Alu­mi­num Foil­Man and his side­kick Zippy­lock
6. Super Burt Rey­nolds
5. Dic­tion­wo­man
4. Unmo­ti­va­ted boy
3. Clea­ning lady
2. Bun­gee Cord and his part­ner, Flap­Jack
1. Abe Vigoda in tights

Q: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?   

A: At home.  That’s a silly ques­tion.                  

Q: Do you have any hob­bies? If so, what are they?     

A:  I have no hob­bies, but I do have seve­ral serious fas­ci­na­tions.                  

Q: How do you relieve stress?   

A: Xanex.                     

Q: If you could enter a racehorse in the Ken­tucky Derby, what would you name your horse and why?        

A: I will ans­wer this in the form of Haiku

Ken­tucky Derby

Sure to win the main event

A horse:  “With No Name”

Q: What do you always “put off for another day?”    

A: Proc­ras­ti­na­tion.                    

Q: What was the last movie you saw in the thea­ter? Would you recom­mend it to others?   

A: I have no reco­llec­tion of what the movie was, who was in it or even a sli­ver of plot.  I would recom­mend it highly.                                                        

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Not fami­liar with the Girl Scout Coo­kie varie­ties?  Here’s the Down Low:

• Thin Mints: Thin, mint-flavored cho­co­late wafers dip­ped in a cho­co­late coa­ting. Also known as Smack, Crack, The Bea­vis But­terfly, or Mommy’s Spe­cial Medicine.
• Pea­nut But­ter Sandwiches/Do-si-dos: Pea­nut but­ter filling sand­wiched bet­ween crunchy oat­meal coo­kies. AKA the coo­kie for Oreo Addicts who branch out this once a year.
• Pea­nut But­ter Patties/Tagalongs: Crispy vani­lla coo­kies laye­red with pea­nut but­ter and cove­red with a cho­co­late coa­ting.  The soft pea­nut but­ter is either hea­ven or just too much pea­nut­but­ter for some less deser­ving peo­ple.  Suck it up and deal with the peanutbutter!

• Shortbreads/Trefoils: A tra­di­tio­nal short­bread coo­kie made in the shape of the Girl Scout tre­foil logo.  This is the “I’m on a Diet” girl Scout cookie. 
• Cara­mel DeLites/Samoas: Vani­lla coo­kies coa­ted in cara­mel, sprin­kled with toas­ted coco­nut and laced with cho­co­late stri­pes. These are the ones that seem to vanish first.  These are also the ones I can eat an entire box of in one sit­ting.  I am fairly sure these coo­kies have been ban­ned in 12 coun­tries due to their addic­tive qualities.
• All Abouts/Animal Treasures/Thanks-A-Lot: : Short­bread coo­kies dip­ped in fudge and top­ped with an embos­sed thank-you mes­sage in one of five lan­gua­ges, inc­lu­ding English, Spa­nish, French, Chi­nese, and Swahili. These are the coo­kies you give the grand kids.
• Cinna-spins Intro­du­ced in 2008, Cinna-spins are cinnamon-flavored coo­kies that come in 100-calorie packs. Cinna-spins are sha­ped like minia­ture cin­na­mon rolls. Reti­red and repla­ced by Daisy Go Rounds.
• Daisy Go Rounds: Very simi­lar to Cinna-spins, this coo­kie repla­ced them for the 2009–2010  sale. They are adver­ti­sed as low fat and also come in 100 calo­rie packs. They are cin­na­mon fla­vo­red and sha­ped like daisies.
• Lemo­na­des Round short­bread coo­kie with lemon icing. Some­ti­mes refe­rred to as “Sour Mon­kies” or “Vir­gi­nia Lemon Crack”.

E-mail hatemail@redsneaker.net

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T-Minus 1 Week and a hand­ful of days left in the Girl Scout Coo­kie Sales!

This means I will be wea­ring down the soles of my snea­kers traip­sing around door to door peda­ling sweets!

Here’s how the sale usually goes.

I knock, because when the girls knock, the mit­tens muf­fle the noise. 

Someone might ans­wer the door.  If they do, one of the girls will greet them “Hi, my name is Annie.  Would you buy Girl Scout Cookies?”

The per­son ans­we­ring the door drools just a little and then buys enough coo­kies to not look too gluttony. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Things to NOT say while trying to sell Girl Scout Cookies:

-“My name is Rachael, but I was born as ‘Mark’”.

-“By the looks of it, you must have a stash of coo­kies somewhere.”

-*sniff sniff* “What’s that smell?  Money?”

-“Let me guess—Just leave the cases of coo­kies by the back door, ring the door­bell and run?”

-“These coo­kies are made from the Girl Scouts who don’t sell enough—Please help me!”

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Con­tact me and buy Girl Scout Coo­kies and for every box you buy, I will divulge a deep dark sec­ret I’ve been kee­ping repres­sed for decades. 

e-mail me!  hatemail@redsneaker.net

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10.  They aren’t made from real Girl Scouts.

9.  If each girl doesn’t sell enough coo­kies, they have to eat a bug.

8.  You can try the ground­brea­king “Thin Mint Diet”.

7.  The Car­mel deLi­tes are an aphrodisiac….at least to me they are.

6.  Coo­kie making elves are communists.

5.  If you freeze them, you can use them as a currency after ever­yone else ate theirs.

4.  At $4 a box, they are chea­per than most opiates.

3.  The coo­kies are legal in 49 out of the 50 sta­tes!  Damn you Delaware!

2.  My daugh­ters cry when you don’t buy from them.

1.  For every box of Thin Mints you buy, the Girl Scouts will not kill a dolphin.

Seriously, Girl Scout Coo­kie sales have begun.  I have two Girl Scouts who need to sell lots of coo­kies, so if you are inte­res­ted in orde­ring some cookies—-$4 a box

Varie­ties include:

Cara­mel deLi­tes (for­merly Samoas)
Pea­nut But­ter Pat­ties (Cho­co­late cove­red coo­kies top­ped with creamy pea­nut­but­ter)
Short­bread
Thin Mints
Pea­nut­but­ter Sand­wich (Like Oreos only all Pea­nut But­tery)
Thanks-A-Lot — Short­bread coo­kes with milk cho­co­late coa­ting on one side
Leamonades-Lemon-flavored num­mi­ness!
Daisy Go Rounds– Packs of small cookies

Order now!!!!!!
If you live in Bismarck/Mandan, e-mail me (hatemail@redsneaker.net)

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–Your Honor Stu­dent was delicious

- Honk if you  are in a vehicle that is easily overtaken

-  My other car is a guy named “Blaster”.

-  I (heart) Bashing in Skulls for Gasoline

- Crazy Gil­bert is my Co-pilot

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7.  Ugly Betty has been can­ce­lled but Ugly Tay­lor Swift is still on the air.

6.  The Bran­ge­lina Mons­ter is dying.

5.  Keith Richards shed his man­gled shell and emer­ged a beau­ti­ful butterfly.

4.  America’s Cou­gar Strike Force isn’t strong enough to beat off, I mean fight off the tee­nage aliens.

3.  Without Oprah’s bookc­lub, the Earth is doomed.

2.  James Came­ron is already making a movie about it which will star a computer-animated Gary Cole­man as one of the four-horsemen.

1.  The Antich­rist, Dakota Fan­ning, turns 18 in 2 years.

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5.  iKo­tex

4.  iPod Max

3.  iHype

2.  iWant­Your­Mo­ney

1.  Crap­top

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Today we are com­me­mo­ra­ting the pas­sing of a great human.  Tho­mas Crap­per died today in 1910.  To mourn his pas­sing, here’s today’s playlist:

Love Stinks – J. Geils Band

Keep Pushin’ – REO Speedwagon

Dig­ging in the Dirt – Peter Gabriel

                “Something in me, dark and sticky

All the time it’s get­ting strong

No way of dea­ling with this feeling

Can’t go on like this too long”

Urgent – Foreigner

Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison

Go lis­ten to URL Radio (http://www.urlradio.net)

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Today in 1994 Lorena Bob­bitt was found tem­po­ra­rily insane for chop­ping off spouse’s penis.  To mourn this event, here’s today’s playlist:

“Little Willy” – Sweet

“The First Cut is the Dee­pest” – Sheryl Crow

“I Don’t Feel Like Dan­cin’” – Scis­sor Sisters

“The Penis Song” – Eric Idle (Monty Python)

“Detacha­ble Penis” – King Missle

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Today in 1993 Bill Clin­ton inau­gu­ra­ted as 42nd Pre­si­dent, so to cele­brate this event,

Here’s today’s playlist:

“Let’s Get it On” –Mar­vin Gay

“Touch Myself” – The Divinyls

“I want your sex” –George Michael

“I want to sex you up” – Color Me Badd

“Short Skirt Long jac­ket” – Cake

“Burn B*tch Burn”- KISS and Birth­day Boy– Paul Stan­ley just for the lyric “Ooh baby, wanna put my log in your fireplace”

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Today in His­tory (Besi­des hono­ring Dr. King), there was something a little less impor­tant happening….like in 1996 Lisa Marie Pres­ley filed for divorce from Michael Jack­son in New York.  To mourn this sepa­ra­tion of the Pop Super Fami­lies, here’s today’s playlist:

“Because of You” – Kelly Clarkson

“Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast” — Wayne Newton

“Makin’ Whoo­pie” — Eddie Cantor

“The Win­ner Takes It All” – ABBA

“Won­der­ful” – Everclear

“You’re The Rea­son Our Kids Are Ugly “ — Loretta Lynn, Con­way Twitty

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Today 1977 Coneheads debu­ted on “Satur­day Night Live”.  To cele­brate the Paren­tal Units and con­su­ming mass quan­ti­ties, here’s today’s playlist:

“Fight The Power” – The Bare­na­ked Ladies

“Conehead Love” — Bel­dar & Pry­maat with Nan Schaefer

“Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah (Means I Love You)” — Vio­lent Femmes

“Take Me To the River” – Talkingheads

“It’s Alright” – Big Head Todd and the Monsters

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Today in 1980 “Blues Brothers” movie with Dan Akroyd & John Belushi opened. 

It’s 106 miles to Chi­cago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of ciga­ret­tes, it’s dark, and we’re wea­ring sun­glas­ses.  Here’s today’s Playlist:

“Do you Wanna Hit It” The Donnas

“Every­body needs some­body” – The Blues Brothers

“I Wear My Sun­glas­ses at Night” — Corey Hart

“Rub­ber Bis­cuit” – The Blues Brothers

“But Any­way”- Blues Traveler

“Blue” – The Jayhawks

“The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Sha­des” – Tim­buk 3

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